Harry Potter and the Stone that does Stuff
by NominNoms
Summary: Harry Potter's fist year at hogwarts and things are gettin crazy fast. Violent girls, hyperactive boys, and lots of stabbing things is only the tip of the hypothetic iceburg. So read pee your pants, pee in your friends pants, but not at the same time.
1. In wich Harry finds Harry

Hello peoples! This is a crack-fic of epic proportions. You will also find this story under the screen name The Un of Uncommen, who is a co-author.

This crack fic follows Harry through his 1st year through hogwarts with major twists and new friends. Also, we are also not British, so please escuse our poor curses and stuff...yeah. um.....Oh yeah! We will be ending every chapter at exactly 1000 words. except for the authors note, which would make it over a thousand.

Warnings for all chapters= Crack-fic, character death, gore, slash, bashing (weasly and Dumblefuck), and an Amoral-ish harry.

Disclaimer= I don't own this JK does. if i did own it, i wouldn't be living in Idaho.

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Harry Potter walked into the grand halls of the Goblin ran bank, Gringotts. Ugly wrinkly things looked down at him and Hagrid from podiums.

"Hagrid, what are those things?" Harry asked, curious.

"Those, Harry, are goblins. Nasty creatures, they are." Hagrid said looking in disgust at the Goblin next to him. He received an evil glare in return. They walked up to the highest podium, where the ugliest, nastiest, weirdest goblin ever was sitting.

"Jaghook, Me and Mr. Potter wish to access his accounts." Hagrid said, straightening his clothes, very full of himself.

"Accounts?" Jaghook smirked, "Of course. Mr. Potter a drop of your blood will tell us all of the accounts that you have in your holding."

'Shit.' Hagrid thought. 'Shit, shit, shit, shit! Dumbledore is gunna kill me. Oh Fang I'm so sorry. Aragog I'll miss you.' Harry walked up to the podium, holding out his hand. Jaghook hand him a knife, in which Harry took it and slashed his palm. A red gash appeared, spewing out drops of blood like old Faithfull, and a moment later it was healed as if nothing had happened in the first place. Jaghook took the knife dripping with blood, and flicked the blood on an enchanted piece of paper.

"Mr. Potter you can currently access the Potter and Black trust vaults, but there are three other Potter vaults along with five Black vaults that you may access when you come of age." Harry raised his eyebrows_. Ten_ vaults? And who are the Blacks? Jaghook hopped down from his oversized chair, and walked to the back of the bank where two gigantic Oak doors stood.

They passed through the doors, only to be met with screams of terror. Harry swallowed nervously, a cold chill sweeping down his spine. A metal cart on a flimsy looking track stopped in front of them. Jaghook climbed into the cart, and nearly took up half the space, for it was only a miner's cart. Harry climbed in behind him, and looked at Hagrid. He would have to take his own cart.

"Vault 665." Jaghook spoke in his gravelly voice, and off the car went twisting, turning, jumping, dancing, crying, and cackling. Harry looked very green when the car finally stopped, and Hagrid pulled in just as Harry was getting out of the cart. He had to lean up against the wall just to keep from collapsing. Wimp. Jaghook walked up to iron doors, spit on them, and they opened.

"Do Goblins have magic spit?" Harry asked.

"Why yes, yes we do." Jaghook said as Harry walked into the vault. "Before you touch anything you need to claim the Potter and Black Heir rings." However Harry was already poking a column of Knuts. "I SAID BEFORE YOU TOUCH ANYTING!"

"I didn't touch I poked, and you said nothing about poking. Ha-ha! I win." Harry giggled.

"Whatever, just say 'I, Hadrian Jameson Potter…I mean 'I, Hadrian _James_ Potter claim my birthright as the Potter and Black Heir.'"

"I, Hadrian James Potter claim my birthright as the Potter and Black Heir." When those magical words left his mouth, two very big and very gaudy rings appeared on his fingers. "You know, they kind of look like the rings that Aunt Marge wears." He said more to himself than to anyone else. As he looked around the vault he asked, "How am I supposed to carry all of this shit? It looks like it weighs more than Dudley!"

Jaghook sighed, "Here take this." As he handed the annoying wizard a pouch. "It's connected to your trust vaults." A look of glee crossed Harry's face at this news. "Now you can leave." Hagrid and Harry stared at him, "What!"

"We are underground, so how exactly are we going to leave?" Hagrid said, cross-eyed. He's been cross-eyed for years now. Jaghook looked even more annoyed at this.

"I knew that!" He huffed. They walked back outside to see the two carts on their hind wheels, in a fighting stance. Buzzing noises which sounded like taunts came from the two carts. Jaghook ran forward, waving his arms around like a maniac.

"Hey! HEY! BREAK IT UP YOU FREAKING PRATS!!!!" Jaghook yelled. He turned to look at Harry and Hagrid. "He slept with his girlfriend." He explained pointing at the cart on the left. They climbed in their respective carts.

They left Gringotts and looked at Harry's list.

"I need robes." Harry said bluntly.

"Go to Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions and ask for the Hogwarts Uniform. I'm going to go get a pick-me-up in the Leaky Cauldron. Now scoot." Hagrid waited until Harry went into the store before heading off to get his drink.

"Hogwarts, dear?" a short, fat and smiling witch asked. "Got the lot here- another young man being fitted up just now, in fact."

"Madam, I'm attending the all girls' school in France." He managed to get out with a straight face. The look that appeared on her face made him break down into a fit of giggles. He sobered when she shot him a glare. "I'm sorry Madam, yes I'm attending Hogwarts, but I also need a full wardrobe worthy of the Black name." On the cart ride back to the main floor of the bank, Jaghook explained that the Black and Potter family were Ancient and Noble Houses, however the Blacks tended to live a life of luxury unlike the Potters. He also learned that he was able to take the Black name as his own if he wished.

Madam Malkin took Harry to the back room of the store and when she walked, it was a frightening sight. Up, jiggle-jiggle, down


	2. In wich he tries to buy stuff

Eh, nother chappy. yes, yes, long update wait. Me and the co-author have seperate lives (albeit, Uncommen just sits around playing Hogwarts Live lately...) but, anyway, Uncommen an me would like some awesome ideas! we do have the whole plot line for first year plotted out, but suggestions are welcome!

Disclaimer for whole fricken story: I OWN HP! MWHHAHAHAHAHA! yeah, just kidding *tear face*

Up, jiggle-jiggle, down, wobble-wobble, and by the time she stopped her bottom went on for another good 30 seconds or so. Harry was an odd shade of green by the time they got to the back room.

A tall silvery-blonde boy stood on a platform getting fitted for his robes. Harry climbed up on the platform adjacent to the boy's, and the boy looked over at him. "Hello," The boy drawled. "Hogwarts too?"

"Nope, I'm going to Durmstrang." Harry laughed at the boy's look of confusion, but relented at when he saw the crestfallen look at the announcement. Harry laughed. "Just kidding, I'm James, James Bond 007, license to kill." The Blonde immediately looked interested in that, maybe a little scared.

"Well, I'm Draco Malfoy. It's nice to meet you Bond. Do you play Quidditch?" Harry couldn't take it any more. He burst out laughing, almost peeing his pants (Not in his friend's pants, and definitely not in both). Draco looked at him like he was Snape wearing a pink, fluffy tutu.

"I'm sorry, I'm _really_ Harry Potter, The-Boy-Who-Didn't-Die." Harry managed to get out through a fit of giggles. Draco's left eyed twitched and didn't talk to the boy who reminded him of his deranged Aunty Bella. Just as Draco was getting finished with his fitting, when his father, Lucius Malfoy, walked through the front door.

"Are you done yet?" Lucius snapped irritably.

"Yes father." Lucius looked at Harry, not recognizing him since his scar was covered by his hair.

"And who are you?" Harry was mesmerized by the long, silver looks of Lucius.

"Oooo, pretty, my name is Sirius Black." A look of horror crossed Lucius' face. "May I buy your hair?" Lucius didn't answer, but quickly shuffled his son out the door. Harry shrugged.

It was about five minuets before Harry finished his fitting ended and Harry doubted that he would see the tall blonde again. Luck was just not on his side today. He sighed, and began the short walk to the wand store, and as he stepped inside a soft, wispy voice said "Good Afternoon." Harry jumped so high that he almost his hit head on the low roof, quite a feat for a short boy. "Oh, Mister Potter no need to be so jumpy." Harry looked up to see a tall old man with silvery-gray hair peering down at him through inch thick glasses.

touched the lightning scar on Harry"s forehead with a long, white finger.

"Thirteen and a half inches, Yew, Powerful wand, very powerful, Well, Mr. Potter, shall we start? Which hand do you write with?" Olivander asked.

"I'm amadextrus." Harry told the freaky man.

"Wonderful, wonderful..." He continued "Now, every Olivander wand has a core or cores of a powerful magical substance. We use Unicorn Hairs, Phoenix tail feathers, Heartstrings of Dragons, amongst others." Olivander pulled down a wand box. "Aspen, eight and five sixteenths, with Cerberus whisker as its core. Now, give it a swish!" Harry did, and turned Olivander's hair...yellow? "Obviously not that one, Lets try..." He pulled another box of the shelf. "Twelve inches exactly, Mangrove, with a Welsh Green heartstring." Harry gave it a flick, and for some odd reason, a knife was conjured. "Nope, Tricky customer aye? How bout' this, 14 and two twelfths of an inch, Cedar, Phoenix feather and Werewolf spit cores." Harry gave it a whirl, and such a feeling of awesomeness came over him. "Ah, I can see we have found your wand!" Olivander exclaimed triumphantly.

It wasn't until Harry started for the pet shop, that he realized that his vision was slightly blurred than usual. Harry took off his glasses to see if there was a foreign substance on the lens, only to realize that his vision was perfected! Throwing the god forsaken glasses on then ground, then jumping on them a little, he merrily made his way to the pet shop.

Pushing the door open, he was greeted by the sound of broken bells clanking, before he was blasted away by the amount of noise coming from all the different animals. Screeches from the Screech owls, squeaks from the rats, and meows from the irritated cats in the too small cages. Walking up to the lady at the counter, whom seemed to think she deserved to be working somewhere better than a pet shop. Staring at her intently until she noticed him, Harry found it a great source of amusement.

"What?" The woman snapped at him, slightly un-nerved that he had been staring at her for the past five minutes.

"I need something to impress the ladies." Harry said bluntly. The woman raised her eyebrow.

"Aren't you a little young for that, small fry?" Harry glowered.

"Hey, I'm 21! I have Webster's disease bitch!" Harry then cackled madly. After a hurried apology, they took a tour through the shop. Harry was amazed, for all the birds were able to roam free. When Harry asked about that, the shop keeper chuckled with a flirtatious smile.

"All the birds got a little feisty when they weren't let out nightly. And rather than trying to catch them all and put them back in their cages, we simply put a string of light, more commonly known as leash charm, around a pole and the quarries leg. Bada-bing bada-boom, no more fussy birds. As the feces, we have a self cleaning floor. Now, the cats are a totally different story…" Harry let her ramblings fade into the back ground while he thought of more pleasant things like all the things he could do with that pretty silvery-blonde hair. Until he realized, to his utter disappointment, that you couldn't really do much with hair. He then thought of how much of an idiot the shop keeper was for believing that massive pile of stinky shit. "…Ands that's how they saved the day."


	3. In wich crazy people speak

Hola. Whoop! an Update before 2 weeks! Alright, heres the deal, see, we need a beta, see. Gotta that, see? Now, on with the wayward story.

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And that's when he saw it. The most beautiful thing in the world. And it just the manliness thing in the whole world. It was a…huge…black…pretty…Raven! Incidentally named Edgar. Harry, who was ignoring the shop keeper, now looked at her with an odd sheen in his eyes. He tugged on her shirt and pointed.

"That will get me girls. I want it." The shop keeper looked a little disappointed. Personally, she thought snakes were pretty cool, but whatever the short 21 year old wanted, that's what he would get. After paying for the Raven, and giving the shop keeper a kiss on the cheek, he merrily made his way back to the Leaky Cauldron, when a devious thought lodged itself in his head. He dug through his pockets, and pulled out one of his cousins discarded pokemon card of Ditto. With a smirk, he went to go find Hagrid.

"Hagrid, how would like to join the secret organization, full of magical creatures that are beyond your imagination?" Hagrid looked interested immediately at the mention of magical creatures. "Here's what you have to do. To join, find this creature." And Harry slid the Ditto card face down to Hagrid. Without hesitation, Hagrid took off like a boulder rolling down a hill. Harry smirked for the second time that day, and asked Tom for a room for the rest of the summer.

To say Harry was bored was gross understatement. It was the middle of August, and it was super hot, and he was desperately looking for a piece of shade right at the entrance of Knockturn alley. It was a sanctuary of shade, it was almost like no sun touched the shabby ally, and it called to him like crack to a crack-whore. Yes, it was bliss. Dark witches and wizards leered at him as he stood on the dirty cobblestone. Seeing that he was attracting attention he hurried off into the nearest shop. Wednesday's Armory. It was chalk full of battle axes, Swords, Maces, Katana, and varies others all made by the crazy lady herself. A short woman stood behind a counter of knives, sharpening a rather odd looking blade. Giving him a creepy grin she asked "Can I helps you?"

Harry looked around the room before he realized the crazy person was speaking to him. "Oh, um, I was just escaping the sun."

"Hum, well I've decided that you need a dagger of some sort." Harry blinked.

"Err, um, sure. What'd you got?"

She scoffed "What don't I got, you stupid boy." Humming to herself she grabbed the boy's arm, and proceeded to drag him to the other side of the small shop. "Pick one." It was nothing short of an order and Harry complied. He gazed at all the different knives and daggers. His eyes immediately locked on a detailed, but not exquisite, dagger. It had a black hilt, with a Chinese dragon outlined in purple on the hilt. The blade was slightly curved, and serrated, which would defiantly hurt if someone tried to stab another person. The blade itself was silver, and it looked like it could kill werewolves and stupid sparkly vampires! But, on the top of the hilt, is what really caught his attention. A purple Garnet resided in the dragons open mouth, and was diamond in shape. Harry salivated at the thought of owning it.

"I want that one. That'll get me girls." Harry said, all serious (not Sirius!). With a malicious grin, she cackled madly, and promptly slashed him on the arm. "BLOODY HELL! What the heck was that for?" Rolling her eyes she quickly dipped her finger in his blood, and used it to put a rune on his forehead.

"Um, what's that mean?" She shrugged, and dipped his blood on the blade, where it glowed yellow for a minute, and then the blood disappeared.

"Me and my sister Raven created this rune for the new knife and dagger owners. The rune binds the master and blade, so the wizard can store his excess magic in the gem. Useful in a duel. The only downfall is that it can only be used once, however since this is your first blade the bond will in essence merge you and your blade together." With his confused look, she continued "While not sentient each blade has its own personality. And since, this is your first blade; you will take on some of the blades personality." Harry blinked. An inanimate object had personality? Well, he could perform magic with a stick, so why not? Harry shrugged and started out the door, when an unfamiliar girl bust in, and started yelling at the crazy lady.

"MY TRANTULA BIT ME!" She yelled, waving her arms about like an Italian.

"God damn it Raven, can't you see I'm trying to be mysterious!" As if suddenly realizing that he was still in the store she turned to him and spoke. "This is my sister Raven, and I'm Wednesday Snake, however you may know us as the Snake Sisters." She finished up her speech obviously pleased with herself. Taking a good look at the sisters, he noticed that they both had a swimmers build, and were about 5" tall. Raven had long black hair that fell right above her hips, with warm hazel that held a slightly crazy glint. Wednesday, in contrast was very bright, her dark violet hair was styled in an inverted bob. Unlike her sister's slightly crazed look, her bright orange eyes held a look that was one of an escapee from the loony bin.

"Oi, you have a chitlan in your store." Raven blinked her big hazel eyes blearily at him. Wednesday rolled own, and smacked her upside the head.

"Yes, he just got his own dagger."

"Oh…What's his name?" Asking the most sensible question. Wednesday couldn't expect more from her odd sibling. Though, she mused, I did escape from three muggle mental hospitals.

"Oh hey, isn't he that one guy that did that one thing that was really awesome?"

"No," Raven said, exasperated. "That was Will Shatner." They looked at him, obviously asking his name.

"Um, my names Harry. Harry Potter." He waited for the exclamations of his adoring fans, but was met with silence. "Um, have you guys even heard of me? You know, Boy-who-wouldn't-die? How about the Dark Lord?" Still silence.

"Nope, never heard of him"

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Heh, nother 1000 words. And, yes, I'm Raven Snake, and the un of un commen is Wednesday, we had a bit of role playing fun *grin* Oh, go vote for your pairing that you want harry to be with, its on my co-authors profile, The un of uncommen.


	4. In wich it is mostly filler

Ello all! OI! I SEE ALL YOUR HITS! REVIEW DAMNIT! Well, thank you for your time...On with the story.

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"Nope, never heard of him. Now, the Duck Lord, he was pretty." Wednesday said, eyes clouding over.

"Now, if the dark has more pretty people, that's who we'll follow." Raven stated before looking the little boy over. "You're pretty, so we'll follow you for now." Harry shrugged. He didn't really care one way or the other; he just wanted to get out of there. These women scared him.

"Err, okay then." Harry said looking very uncomfortable. "How much do I owe you?"

"Oh the ickle little boy wants to pay Day?" Raven cooed. Harry blinked. After a long argument, Harry left the store a few gallons short. Well actually, he more like fled the store, but that isn't the point. Harry wandered around a few more moments before walking into a pet store labeled 'Ravens & Snakes'. He need food for Edgar. He had walked not even 10 feet before Raven popped in front of him.*giant sweat drop* Harry turned to run away, and walked straight into Wednesday.

"Oh shit." Wednesday raised both eyebrows.

"Oh hey! It's the little chibi! Chibi chibi chibi!" She sang in a singsong voice. Then, she cackled. Harry then screamed like a little girl, and then tried to doge around Wednesday, but found the door locked.

"Mwhahhahahahahahaa! You will never leave the house of pain!" Raven yelled flicking her wand around.

"Raven?"

"Yes Wednesday?"

"It's not a house of pain."

"Oh, but it is an illegal pet shop! And whoever tells gets a can of whoopass released on them…"

"And they call _me_ crazy! You don't tell people that it's an Illegal pet shop, you idiot! 'Cause then they'll tell the Ministry, we'll go back to court, spend _another_ month doing community service for the WEASLYS, then we'll get charged for assault because we'll do something stupid, _and then and only then_ will we be sent back to Azkaban for another two weeks!" Wednesday yelled at her sister, who paled at the menchin of….Weasleys?

"That was one time! ONE TIME!"

"Yes, and it was the worst thing I've ever had to do in my entire 19 year life span! Do you _want _to clean their toilet again?" Ravens cheeks flushed.

"That was pretty bad. But, it was mostly your fault!" Harry blocked out the two and pounded frantically on the door. People stopped on the street, but ran when they saw which store he was in. A small cloaked figure walked up to the glass and lowered her hood. It was a girl with light blonde hair, and pale blue eyes who looked to be his age, maybe a year younger. She tapped on the glass, and pointed towards the door handle, and he nodded. The girl opened up the door and they scurried away.

"Er, thanks back there. I was getting really scared. I thought it was a Pet shop of Horrors!" The girl looked at him.

"Raven and Wednesday aren't really that bad. Just, not all the way there. I'm Luna by the way. However, by that scar, I'd say you're the one and only HP. The only living person with Scroomba's in their head." Harry blinked.

"Um, what are Scroomba's?"

"They feed off of death magic. They entered through your scar." She tapped him on the forehead. ..

Meanwhile, in the Hall of Justice, Er, I mean Ravens & Snakes.

Wednesday looked around the store questionably. "We got ditched again didn't we?" She looked toward her sister.

"Yep. Those jerks."

Back to the Hero of the story…

Luna and Harry were sitting at a table in Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour, munching on a new flavor of Ice cream. It mimicked the taste of the wizard or witches magical aurora. Harry's tasted like Sugar Plums. Luna had told him hers tasted like Blue Raspberry. They people watched while they ate, commenting on how awful something looked, or just talking about random things. A overly large woman walked past them towing seven red headed children. Harry knew he had deep rooted hatred of Gingers, the doctor's had called it Ginger phobia.

He jumped and ran screaming toward the Leaky Cauldron, pulling Luna behind him. When they finally got up to his room, still screaming, Luna looked sad.

"My ice cream dropped." Harry looked bashful.

"Sorry 'bout that. I have Ginger phobia."

"Ah yes, the entire Weasly clan and extended family have red hair. Quite sad really."

"Well, I pro-" The door busted open to reveal his worst nightmares. Raven and Wednesday.

"Come on! You guys are gonna be late for the train!" Raven flicked her wand and all of Harry's belongings crammed themselves into his trunk.

"Luna, your trunk is in my pocket. Come on! Raven, beam us up!" Raven touched everyone and they popped to the train station. Actually, it was around the corner. The walked through the door and harry saw at least 3 police men surrounding a sign. Harry didn't see what it was about, for he was whisked away by Wednesday, and…through a brick wall?

It was 11 o'clock at night, and Harry was a little confused.

"Um, I thought the train left in the morning?" He saw a sleek maroon train gleaming in the moonlight.

"Pshh, who told you that? It leaves in the night ickle Chibi!" Wednesday un-shrunk Luna's trunk and handed her it when She started screaming, along with another woman. Harry turned and saw that it was the overly large woman from before and almost ran away screaming when he noticed Raven was screaming and pointing too at the little girl next to her, and she was screaming too. Harry was very confused when he remembered Wednesdays words from before, and Luna pointing them out.

Raven pushed the Weasleys through the brick wall back out onto the train station. They then apperttated away. When Raven had pushed the Weasleys through the wall, a paper had floated in. It had a picture of Wednesday on it and it said

'Wednesday Snake. Escapee from Defective -Head -Meat Institute. Has arms and is dangerous.'

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Well, I do love my new Ice cream heh. Dear Zicou, Me and Uncommen thank you for reviewing twice! *glares at non reviewers* and Pikachu42, WE UPDATED!

I wrote this chapter basically all by myself, but Uncommen supplied me with Cheesy puffs and awesome music, every once and awhile throwing in a suggestion.

I would like to give credit of the Institutes name to an InvaDEr ZiM author. I LOVE YOU! AND YOU TOO WHOEVER CAME UP THE THE ZADR THING!

On another note, if you initialize our title title, the last 4 letters are 'stds'...Does anyone get that too?

~nin (soon to Pulse of Music)


	5. In which the plot bunnies attack!

whoopee, the Hiatus is over! Though, I didn't put a Hiatus note on my account, TUOUC had one on our last chapter...I'm just gonna start refering to her as MMW. Or Muffin Master Wednesday. Thats her Nickname. There is a slight warning of violence down in this chapter...so, yea...be warned...And please notice the change in rating, which got bumped up to 'M'

Harry and Luna got onto the train and looked for an empty compartment up and down the train. However, they didn't have any luck with an _empty _compartment, but stumbled onto red heads with a tarantula. The one on the left started talking…

"OI! SHUT THE DOOR!" Harry and Luna scrambled inside, against Harry's better judgment.

"It's like Ravens spider!" Luna exclaimed excitedly. Hearing Ravens name caused Harry to flinch, and certain Black haired girl to sneeze.

"Raven as in your cousin?" Asked one of the red-headed boys. Harry who had finally brought his attention back to the present screamed at the sight of the gingers.

"AHH! Stay away from me you soulless freaks!" The boys looked confused as Luna tried to calm Harry down.

"He should be alright in a movement," Luna said "he just has a phobia of Ginger kids like yourselves.

Luna giggled, while Harry, who had recovered from his momentary breakdown, seemed relieved that they were no longer sporting the bright orange-red hair.

"So, who exactly IS your friend, Luna?" asked the boy with the purple hair.

"This is the one and only HP!"

"HP?" came from the yellow haired boy.

The boy with purple hair rolled his eyes. "Harry Potter you nitwit!"

"Holy cricket, you're Harry Potter!"

"No shit Sherlock! If he wasn't I wouldn't have said it!" the one with the purple hair almost shouted. Luna was now sure that the boy with the Purple hair was Fred.

"Really? I mean, yeah Harry's a firstie, but I know Luna's only Ten." Fred said

"Don't you have to be eleven to get into Hogwarts?" Harry asked, speaking for the first time calmly since they entered the compartment.

It was George who answered him. "Yup, so why are you here Luna?"

"I asked the Headmaster if I could go Nargle hunting on the train, it's their mating season you know, and the hormones coming from the older students attract them. My father will be picking me up when we get to Hogsmead"

"Hello, I'm Hermione Granger have you seen a Toad? A boy named Neville lost one." She asked (more like demanded).

They all looked at one another and then at the girl. "No, no one's seen one." Fred said, just as a green-ish black blur came through the door and stuck itself to the window

"Fear Me! For I am the Great Toad Trevor, and I shall someday rule over all you pathetic huumans!"

"Well that was odd." Luna said.

Harry looked nervous before asking, "Is that normal behavior for Toads?"

A heavy set boy came bustling into the compartment carrying a box with air holes in the top. It smelled faintly of swamp. "Trevor!" He caught the toad and tucked him in the box. "Thank god you found him! It's time for his medication and he gets a little...well you know insane." He said before letting out a stream of giggles as he saw Luna In her Sun dress. Suddenly a red light appeared in the small compartment that seemed to be coming from one of the charms on Luna's necklace.

"Neville, are you a pervert?" She asked innocently. Neville's cheeks gained a pink flush to them as he stuttered out 'no's and unintelligible babble. That was until Bucky McBeaver came back to the compartment.

Neville paled and backed further into the compartment, and tried to cower in a corner. Beaver looked at him. "Oh, I see you have found your toad, Neville. You should really be more responsible for your pets. They could get out and..." And then she lectured him for at least 5 minutes on the dangers of having a loose pet...not that there were many per say, but she managed.

"Holy shit! How did you manage to say that in one breath? Are you a vampire or something?" Harry exclaimed with a frightened voice. Hermione looked over at him sharply before telling him something about 'poor language' and how 'If she was a Vampire, she wouldn't even be on this train you stupid boy!'

Luna, who had taken offence to the 'poor language' remark stood up and grinned before saying "How the HELL did a BITCH like you even manage to get accepted into this FUCKING school anyway?"

The odd thing was, while Luna was going off on Beaver-girl 'Bitch Fight' was being chanted, however the truly odd thing was the fact that nobody was actually saying anything...magic truly had a mind of its own

Harry, Fred, and George looked at each other, before cracking up. The two girls (if you could even call Beaver that) Looked at them before hearing the chant. The chant caused Luna to smile because who was she to deny Magic what it wanted. Hermione looked scared as Luna approached her with a wicked grin on her face.

"W-what are you doing?" Luna answered with a punch to the face that caused her knuckles to bleed from the impact of Beaver's massive teeth.

Screeching in Rage Hermione bit Luna's arm and taking a good chunk out of it while Luna tried to pull Hermione's hair out of her head.

Beaver, who refused to be out done by the blonde girl, kicked her in the shins causing the other girl too call out in pain. Luna saw red, and tried to claw out McBeaver's eyes before they were pulled apart by the twins who felt that it had gone on long enough. Although Luna did manage to knock loose the other girls front teeth, a fact that she was very proud of.

Luna's hair was a tangled mess, and her arm was bleeding, but Beaver was in worse of a shape. Most of her hair was missing, and there were two gaping holes in her mouth, not to menchin the blood seeping from her nose. "YOu...You...you Bitch!" Beaver exclaimed before running out of the compartment, yelling over her shoulder about telling the head girl and boy.

A blonde boy then entered the compartment, someone who Harry recognized.

Okay peoples, heres a little chat! R.E.V.I.E.W! What does that spell! REVIEW!


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